Sprinklers?! Great Invention or Weapon from Aliens?

Dear sister, 

I have heard that Mother has been propagating a vicious rumor that I may have gone mad. I object. I have never been more coherent in my life. I am writing to you that you may know the threat that lurks in the suburban landscape of America. We are taught by society to have the perfect greenest yard one can possibly own. It demonstrates wealth, character, and all that jazz. This is constantly implied in stories, advertisements, etc. However, a perfect green yard comes with a heavy price, sprinklers. Sprinklers are dangerous tools that seek to undermine all of humanity. Sure, they look harmless and simple. After all, they are mere pieces of plastic. There is no way for them to think, plan, or have any sense of agency. I have learned that the opposite is the truth. Sure, sure, they water possibly billions of plants. Providing water to crops feeding millions around the world. Yet, I know there is an insidious plot behind their function, and I am not alone. There are dozens of us, Dozens!! We go by the moniker, RainCoat.

 I used to be like you and everyone else. My eyes were opened. I was first attacked by a sprinkler. I was fourteen working on the yard with dad. He just put on a new sprinkler head and we were testing if it worked. Overall, the sprinkler head worked well, except the little cap. It shot off at the speed of the bullet and hit me squarely on the forehead. I was shocked by what happened. Still one instance is a fluke, a coincidence. It happens once in a while, but there is no chance that it would happen consistently.

 Later, I would learn that this was not the case. I was about 22 when the consistent attacks began by the sprinklers. One day in particular I was working on the rose bushes. I was trimming them before the cold months. I was walking over a sprinkler when its top blew off and hit me in the cheek. I was frustrated that I had to replace the sprinkler head and soaked from the jet of water that shot from the ground. I turned the water off, replaced the sprinkler head, and turned the water back on. It seemed to be functioning perfectly, until I went closer to the sprinkler I just replaced. Its cap blew off again and struck me on the chin. At that moment I got pissed. I kicked the damn thing, which was dumb because now I had more work to do. At least being soaked was a nice feeling in the hot summer weather. I turned the water off again, replaced the sprinkler head again, and turned the water on againnn. This time I learned my lesson. I was watching cautiously behind a wall, as if I was a timid toddler embarrassed to see anybody. Little did I know the sprinkler was biding its time to strike. When I finally built up the confidence to approach the sprinkler. Then, it struck launching a projectile a third time. There was no time to react as it struck me squarely on my forehead. Maybe I had a concussion from the repeated attacks (highly unlikely). Sprinklers are much too small to be anything but an annoyance, but I swear to this day I heard maniacal laughter. I looked in the sky and saw a ufo. It flew away after they achieved their goal. I turned off the water main and did not fix the sprinkler for several days when tensions had cooled.

I later learned the aliens are there ready to force our sprinklers to explode. This would drain our fresh water supply for their invasion. I know they are out there to get us. Beware, they are ready to strike any moment. Our invention turned into soldiers for a vengeful race out there in the expanse. I warn you beware for any moment they can and will strike. Install drippers, valves that can support higher pressures, or anything that can weaken their imminent plan. You will always be covered by RainCoat. 

With caring love,

Your Brother